The Transitional Nursery Paradox

There’s a special kind of mental gymnastics that happens in the NICU: I’m so lucky she’s doing well, but why is that baby going home before mine?

I’d look at the babies on ventilators and feel guilty for complaining about anything. Then I’d see a 36-weeker who’d been there three days get discharged and feel irrationally sad. Grateful and jealous, sometimes in the same breath.

The transitional nursery was supposed to feel like progress and it was. No more feeding tubes, less alarms, just feeding and growing. Except now I had a front-row seat to watch other babies graduate before us. Every discharge was a tiny celebration for them and a quiet “what about us?” for me.

In my opinion, that is the greatest unspoken truth of the NICU- there is a duality to every feeling. You are happy and sad, worried and hopeful, jealous and grateful. Maybe that is just parenthood?